I’ve written this blog only to scratch it a few sentences in too many times to count. I don’t really know where to start or what to say. I’m just going to talk to you, I guess.
I’ve taken a break from social media a few times by now. They weren’t really that long because I always felt this pressure. You see I don’t want my blogging to be a hobby. I want this to turn into something bigger. I want to publish my stories and be an author. It’s always been my dream to be a writer and starting this blog lit up the fire inside of me that was dying out. I started writing when I was about fourteen. My friend at a time loved writing stories and before I knew it I started to write too. Before that I would escape in worlds created by other writers but for the first time I created my own world. My own little haven to fall into. I wrote through the darkest time of my life. It was my outlet and then I stopped. I don’t really know why I stopped. I can probably give you a lot of excuses but to be honest something changed. I changed. I was finding myself, exploring new things and falling. I don’t really know how to explain it to be honest. When it comes to my own feelings and thoughts I struggle to put them into words.
I want to take a break. I’m too overwhelmed. I have to many things happening and if I don’t take a step back I will collapse. At first I felt like I should just write my blogs and eventually all of this will pass but the thing is I can’t get myself to write about it all. I can’t find the words. It feels wrong and fake to write these funny little blogs because I feel like I’m hiding myself. Maybe today is just a bad day. Maybe I’m overreacting and next week I will be okay and write till my fingers go numb but another bad day will come. I’m not even sure if I’m making sense. My brain feels foggy and I’m struggling to understand. I’m really not okay. I need space. I need some time to pick myself up completely. These last few months I’ve been stumbling a lot. Something would happen that would knock my feet right out from underneath me and I would push myself to get up but the ground underneath me is falling apart and I’m stumbling.
A part of me feels like I’m letting my readers down. A part of me doesn’t want to stop working on my blog because it’s been doing so well. A part of me wants to get more followers and subscribers and just go big. A part of me doesn’t want to disappoint the few that actually read my blogs. But you know it’s not all about that. I don’t want to care about the numbers and statistics. It’s not why I originally started this blog. The more I’m trying to explain what’s going through my mind right now the more I’m going in circles. I feel like I’m not making sense at all. I have no idea how to go about writing this blog because to be honest I can’t really put it into words. So for now I’m going to get technical.
I’m going to take a break from social media and my blog. It’s not going to be a short break either. I don’t want to come back on my next good day. I want to come back where my good days are often and my bad days are rare. I need time to recover and heal. I need time to concentrate on my mental health and get myself back on my feet. I need to stand on stable ground and run forward. To be able to do that I need to take things off my plate. I need to concentrate on the little things. I can’t continue going through circles like this. I need to grab the bad days at its ball and get through them. Because let’s face it. Social media can be draining because there is this pressure to be a role model. To be open and raw but I can’t do that now. How can I open up about my feelings when I don’t even know how to describe them? How can I be raw when I’m not ready to share why I’m raw.
I want to heal and then come back and share the things that I really want to share but don’t have the words for it yet. I’m not sure how long I will be off social media, it can be 3 months or 6 months or a year. I have no idea if I’m honest with you. A part of me wants to say that I will still upload blogs every now and again but I can’t half ass this break. Otherwise before I know it I will be back to putting too much weight on my shoulders before I’m ready and break down again.
You know my one year anniversary of this blog is coming up soon. I really wanted to push through to make it at that point but I can’t. It’s not fair towards myself. But hey the two year anniversary will be extra special then…I don’t know what else to say. I’m not sure if I explained myself properly or if any of this makes sense. Heck I’ve said that like twenty times in this blog but it’s true. I need to find my words again.
Thank you so much reading and goodbye for now…