I’ve tried to write this blog so many times. To be honest, there is just no easy way to talk about this or start the dialogue. This entire experience has been such a raw and personal experience that has ripped me apart. I struggle to open up about it and talk about it. I guess I should just start from the beginning. These last few months, Onno and I’ve been struggling with infertility. Boy, that’s a hard sentence to swallow. Onno and I started trying for a baby in December 2017 and it’s been one ugly rollercoaster ever since. So much raw emotions. There is so much I want and need to share when it comes to our infertility journey and I will start that soon but first I want to talk about something.
Opening up about my struggles with infertility is incredibly difficult. I’ve been very cautious with who I share this part of our lives with. It’s not something that’s easy to talk about it. I’ve told four friends, two of those has been incredibly supportive throughout the journey. My best friend in the entire world has been with me every single step of the way. She was there for me when I cried my eyes out every month when my period started. She was there for me when I hit the one-year mark and went to a really dark place. She was there for me when I was convinced that I was a failure of a wife and my husband would leave if I can’t have his baby. She was there for me when I cried for hours on end because my body was working against me. She was there for me every single step of the way and I will forever be grateful to call her my best friend. My other friend has been so incredibly sensitive to my journey. We rekindled our friendship after I shared my past and she told me about her recent miscarriage. We bonded over the fact that she too was now trying to conceive. She ended up getting pregnant soon after her miscarriage and as I’m writing this blog, late January 2019, she is now a mother of a beautiful little baby boy. There were moments throughout our communication that she said things that are my trigger but other times she just got it. She knew I couldn’t be her cheerleader throughout her pregnancy. She knew if she came to me and complained about pregnancy aches, I wouldn’t be able to follow her line of thought or respond in a way she might have wanted. I could always just think: “Well, at least you are going to have your baby. I wish I can feel these aches.” It took me a few weeks to open up to her about this but once I did our friendship shifted. She understood my jealousy and didn’t judge me for it. I am truly happy for her and I know she will be a great mother but I think it’s completely normal and human to feel a little jealous.
The other two friends I told…let’s just say their response wasn’t as positive. I mentioned before that I have triggers. There are just a few things I feel like you shouldn’t say to those who are trying to conceive. Especially if you yourself have never struggled with infertility. YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. The same can be said for those who have never experienced abuse but feel the right to decide what acts of abuse counts as abuse. My best piece of advice is if someone you care and know is struggling with infertility; is to choose your words carefully. Your words can cause more damage than you can ever imagine. As you’re going through this journey, your state of mind is so fragile, words cut deeper than what I can even begin to explain.
Here are the few main things that you shouldn’t say.
Take it easy. Once you stop trying, it will happen naturally. I can scream when I hear this one. I’ve heard it so many times and every time someone says this to me just know I’m showing you the middle finger in my mind. This is what goes through my mind when these words are uttered. Fuck you. Do you honestly think that I haven’t been taking it easy or tried to do so? Do you honestly think that I haven’t done everything in my power to improve my chances of fertility even by 1%? I realize that stress is incredibly damaging for your fertility and I take measures to be relaxed but taking it easy isn’t an option. When you say take it easy, it means to sit back and throw the dice. Even though I’ve disclosed that I have PCOS and this is a cause of my infertility. So even though my body works AGAINST me, yes, I’m sure that taking it easy will go great for me. I can just stop drinking my handful of pills that has helped balance my hormones which in return has regulated my period and ovulation. Sure, I can take it easy and stop that. It’s not like I enjoy spending hundreds of euros every two months to get my supplements or enjoy taking twenty or so pills every single morning. I can just sit back and take it easy like you said and stop all of these little things I do every single day to improve my chances. It’s not like I will fucking fight you for the option to drink coffee and eat my weight in carbs and candy. This is turning into a nice little rant. Oh, and then we have the ‘once you stop trying, it will happen naturally’ one. First of all; Fuck you. Once I stop trying to improve my chances, my chances to conceive will drop. Yes, I might get pregnant naturally but where my chance to get pregnant now on a good month is maybe 70% (I have no idea if this is correct. I’m using this to make a point.) but if I leave it to nature (so no outside disturbance; supplements and regular exercise) it will definitely drop. By how much I have no idea. I’m not a doctor but every part of my being knows that the steps I take every single day are improving my chances. I also know that I need help to conceive. Naturally might not be an option for us. It happens. You need to take into an account that there is a history of infertility in my family line. My mom struggled to conceive me and her mother struggled with conceiving as well. It’s in my family history. I’ve done everything in my power to improve my chances to get pregnant. I was able to find out critical information thanks to the steps I took to improve my chances. I will talk about it more in an upcoming blog. I’m getting slightly off track. What I’m trying to say is that you should be more cautious about your choice of words. Because when someone tells me to take it easy and once you stop trying, it will happen naturally. They completely ignore all of my hard work. They completely belittle the effort I’ve put in. They completely brush aside the pain I’ve experienced. Now I know that this is only my point of view and that I’m being too sensitive but that’s the fucking point. My infertility journey is a sensitive subject and that’s not going to change. So, I will continue to get angry at those who make insensitive comments but…I’m getting too of track. This blog is writing itself and turning into a rant more than anything.
This is incredibly hard to write about and I’m scared. I’m terrified that the response I get from talking about this journey would be negative and I don’t need that in my life. Believe me, the things I tell myself when that test is negative can’t beat a comment by a stranger. That doesn’t mean the comment won’t hurt. I’m not entirely comfortable talking about infertility. It’s hard to open up about this but I feel like it’s something I need to talk about. That it will help me to talk about it. So here I am, standing naked in front of the internet, pouring my broken heart out.
I’m going to round off this blog here. In the next few parts, I will walk you through this entire journey. From the start until now. We’re going to dig deep but I must say it feels good. I’m almost relieved now that I’ve decided to share this on my blog. It’s something that I’ve kept on a tight leash for a year now and it just feels nice to have it out in the open. The next few parts will go up every Wednesday until I catch up with recent developments. While we’re on the subject, this part of my life will always be out of date. What I mean with that is quite simple. I will not talk about what is currently happening with my infertility until some time has passed. It’s not something I want to feel pressured to share until I’m ready. You will find out in Part 5 where we are with the journey today but you won’t hear much more until way later in the year. I just need time to adjust to whatever news before I share it.
Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!