I pull my aching body away from the warmth. My tired bones scream in protest. I shakingly rub at my temples, desperate to chase away the nightmare. I sniff as tears roll down my cheeks. I leave them there. I’m too exhausted to brush them away. I force myself to take a big breath. I count to ten before pushing myself off the bed. It’s a new day. I remind myself that this is a good thing. I need to be grateful to be present in this moment but the heaviness in my heart makes this difficult. I force another deep breath, desperate to lighten the pressure that’s pushing down on my chest. Has it always been so hard to breathe? I force myself to get up and face the day. It’s not going to be easy but some days are harder than others.
I’ve been in a very strange state of mind these last few days. I realize that I’m in a depressive state and that these feelings will pass but it’s so surreal. It’s as if my body isn’t my own. It’s as if my thoughts belong to someone else. It’s as if I’m looking at my body from another dimension. I’ve lost all spark and motivation. The part that makes me, me is missing. It’s not as if my emotions are running rampant and my heart is shattering with sadness, I simply feel nothing. I’m numb. I’m on empty.
It’s a bit short but I want to share the thoughts that comes straight from my depressive state. It’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here and I’m struggling. I know this feeling will pass but for now, I’m just going to take a much-needed break. I’ve been milking myself dry these last few months and I need to take a moment to catch my breath so I can create content that I’m proud of. Thank you for always supporting me.