I had a really difficult time choosing what picture I want to use as my big throwback picture. When I still had Instagram, I often used one picture when I posted a throwback picture related to my mental and emotional wellbeing. I still believe that this picture says a thousand words and carries a lot of impact, but I wanted to use a new picture. I realize that most of my readers on my blog doesn’t know of this picture or just how many times I reused it but well I know and that’s the point I guess. Once I decided that I won’t be using this picture for today, I had no cooking clue what picture to choose much less from what year. So, I just asked my husband to choose a year from 2010 to this year. Mainly because I don’t know if I have any pictures of myself prior to 2010. We lost a fair share of our pictures when all of our belongings were stolen. That’s a story I simply haven’t gotten around to sharing yet but anyway, let’s just get straight to the point already. Onno chose 2016. Why you ask? I have no idea. Let me quickly ask him.
“I just had to choose so I did. There is no real reason.” After some thought he did add; “I did want to choose a year that we were already together.”
So, finally… Here is the picture that I’ve decided to use as my throwback.
When I initially thought of a throwback picture for this project, I had thought that it would be a powerful experience. I will walk away feeling all warm inside, empowered and proud of myself for achieving what I have since that picture was taken but instead I focused on my weight. I completely overlooked the fact that it was a year where Onno asked me to marry him. The fact that I spend many wonderful moments with family and friends. The fact that it was a year where I finally crossed a childhood dream of mine off my bucket list by dying my hair bright purple. Heck, it was even the year I did that nutrition course where it felt pretty damn good about myself for walking away with an excellent grade. I overlooked all of this and instead the only thing I could focus on is my body. I was my skinniest, strongest, leanest and fittest in that picture. What I had to force myself to remember as I studied my much heavier body in the mirror in utmost disgust is that even back then I didn’t love what I saw in the mirror. My self-love journey has a long way to go. These last few months my self-confidence basically disappeared into thin air as the weight refused to melt away. I don’t really know what to tell you at this point. This isn’t the response I expected on day 1 but it is what is, you know. I’m not going to sugarcoat it and lie to you or myself. BUT I will force myself to reflect a bit more. In hopes that this will somehow turn this around, I’m going to make a list of some of the life-changing things that has happened since that picture was taken in July 2016.
- Onno asked me to be his wife (spoiler alert: I said yes).
- I made wonderful memories with family and friends. I also lived with my dad for a few months for the first time since my parent’s divorce (before I always visited for maybe three weeks max) and it brought us so much closer.
- Onno came to South Africa, saw the country I came from in all its glory and met my family and friends. We also had our pre-wedding.
- I applied for my partner visa.
- I immigrated. Holy shit. I actually did that.
- Speculoos joined our family.
- I passed three of my five tests related to my immigration (the last two is on the list for this year).
- I launched my blog!
- Onno and I got married for real. I’m now Cassandra Dijt.
- Onno and I started trying for our family.
- Onno and I bought a house like holy shit I’m a house owner.
- Onno and I dived head first into the intense process that is renovations.
- I underwent almost traumatic dental procedures for almost one year straight.
- Dankie joined our family.
- I told my friends and family about my abusive past and I’ve come out on top. I’m at peace.
- I wrote and published my first book.
- Suiker and Bekkie joined our family. I haven’t told you about them yet so surprise! We now have two twin girls.
- And finally, I got a JOB! Yes, that’s right. I got a job. I’m so incredibly excited to earn my keep and buy myself that Ipad I’ve been eyeing for months.
Okay, I feel a little better. Not by much because I’ve truly been struggling with my heavier body and the pressure I carry around to lose weight and that’s not going to go away with one short list. I think that’s about it. I have a lot of reflecting to do and I can only hope that these next 24 days will give me a new perspective on well everything. Life really. That would be ideal. I feel a little down in the dumps but the ME day I have planned for tomorrow is going to go a long way in making myself feel more comfortable in my own skin.
Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!