When I sat down to write a blog for today, I was lost for words. There are so many things I want to talk about, especially about my struggles with depression, but I can’t tap into those extreme emotions when I’m not in a depressive state. I know I feel those extreme emotions when I’m in a really bad depressive state, but when I’m back to being “me”, it feels alien to me. It’s an incredibly weird thing to explain. I see the person I become when depressed as a different person. Depression is a part of me, at this point its so deeply ingrained in me, I would probably be lost without it…but it’s not the whole me. It’s such a small part. The thoughts and emotions of depressed Cassy aren’t the same thoughts and emotions I experience when I’m normal. Normal is the wrong word to use. This is hard. I’ve never tried to explain it, so I’m not doing such a great job.
When I’m in a depressive state, everything around me disappears. I’m in darkness entrapped in a cold embrace. I feel so much in this state. Sometimes I feel nothing. I feel numb, but yet I’m in turmoil. I feel every emotion so intensely. My thought process is just as extreme. The being I become in this state feels alien to the version of myself who isn’t in that state. Does that make sense?
I wrote a small diary entry a while back. I was struggling a lot. December is incredibly hard for me. When I wrote this entry, I’ve been struggling a lot with what I should do to escape this state. I knew that something needed to change. I need to prioritize my mental health more. I needed to make some changes because things were just too much. I’ve made those changes now and things have been really good since. I feel a lot lighter. But I want to share this diary entry and read it with you. Maybe after reading through it, I will find the words I so desperately want to share.
12 December 2019
I’ve been thinking a lot lately if being ‘present’ on social media is the way to go. I’ve talked about this before so I will try to keep it short. I mainly just want to sit down and write these thoughts down. I’m currently in a really rotten place and I find that the thoughts that cross through my head when I’m in a depressive state almost never reflects what I really feel…but now I just doubt everything. Is being online healthy for my mental health? I deleted my Instagram because it was toxic. I was constantly comparing myself to others. It was just an incredibly negative place to be. The same thing can be said for Facebook. My Facebook mainly consists of family and friends (read: people I know and are on friendly terms with). Twitter scares the fuck at me. You’re too afraid to tweet or respond to tweets because what if someone takes it the wrong way and then suddenly you’re the worst person ever. Commenting on things I see online scares me in general. Literally yesterday evening, someone shared their struggle with trying to conceive. It’s a comic artist and they’ve been trying for five months. I felt for them. I’ve been there. So, I responded and just said hey I know nothing anyone can say will make this journey easier. I’m sorry this is happening to you and as a fucking afterthought I ended baby dust to all of my infertility warriors and boy did people go off on me. They made a good point but I honestly didn’t realize the harm that using the word of infertility would do. To me, my trying to conceive and infertility journey is pretty much the same thing. It was a brain slip. I apologized to the person because well they saw it and I felt bad. They were sweet about it with two hearts but I realize how much seeing my comment must’ve hurt them. I didn’t respond to the other people though. I just deleted my comment. I’ve learned the hard way that trying to explain what you meant just makes it worse so why put myself through that. Other than installing the fear of commenting on anything anymore, it also made me think. Should I be on social media right now? Should I be on social media at all?
My presence on social media is completely different than what it was years back, but apparently, the little bit I’m still open to is still capable of doing damage. I don’t want to turn this all on me and through some pity party but…fuck it. This is my blog, my diary. I should feel comfortable to share how I feel. Even if I’m in the wrong. You’re adults. You know every story has four different sides to it. You will know this only my side of it. But…I don’t know.
These days it’s just been harder to be true my feelings. I’m numb but at the same time, in so much fucking pain. I feel trapped in a cage. Crushed into this little box unable to move freely. It’s getting hard to breathe. Some type of demon has its claws around me, it’s hold tightening around my neck. Its nail pierces my skin and I bleed. I can’t do anything but cry silent tears and smile through my mask.
I can’t help but think how much easier it would be if I didn’t have any online platform. I can just be a ghost. A name someone faintly remembers from time to time. Nothing else. Will that be better? If I simply stopped…
I don’t know what to tell you…
If I go offline, would that mean no more website? No more blogs? No platform to share my thoughts? My stories? My books? I won’t make any big decisions now but maybe this isn’t what I want anymore. Or quite frankly need. Maybe being offline and limiting who I talk to will be for the best. Maybe limiting what I see out there will protect me. Maybe it will hurt less. Isn’t that more harmful though? If I roll myself up in bubble wrap and I eventually leave that safe cocoon, won’t everything be ten times worse? Won’t I feel everything so much deeper and rawer than before?
Is going offline and destroying all contents of myself online the modern equivalent of running away? Isn’t it the same thing as say running away, getting a new identity and just fucking starting over in some remote cabin? I won’t lie. The idea of just being away from everything and everyone is beyond attractive. The idea of ending this pain…the thing is I don’t think I can ever really run away from this. I so desperately want to switch all of this off and just be at peace somewhere but it’s not possible…is it? But shouldn’t I then do everything in my power to cut out everything I can? Everything that’s 99% toxic and negative? Has this website/blog become negative? It has quickly become a platform where I feel comfortable being raw and open…it’s basically my diary 8/10 times…but the pressure is real. I want to have an update schedule. I want to help. I want to be successful. I want to launch projects. I want to share more stories but at what cost? Am I sacrificing my mental well being for this? Is being online like selling your soul to the devil? Is it worth it? Or are my words meaningless? Something so easily blown away by a small breeze.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know which side is up or which side is down. I just don’t know. I know something needs to change. I need to do something or I will crush under this pressure.
Do I limit what I create and put out? Do I simply share if I feel what I have to say carries value? No, that won’t work. What holds value to me, won’t hold value to someone else. That is to say, I can find some value in my words. I guess an important question I need to ask is: Why am I doing this? Is it valuable to me? Is it meaningful? Or is it just empty words on the internet, ready to be erased and forgotten…
I don’t really have much else to say. I just need to sit down and give this a hard and long thought. In the end of the day, I’m just a fragile little bird being crushed by life. I need to do whatever I can to protect my wings so when shit eventually gets better (please get better, please), I can still fly.
I remember these thoughts and emotions so vividly. I know I felt them. I still feel a tiny bit trapped, but it’s not nearly on that scale anymore. These thoughts feel a bit alien to me. Before reading this entry, I could remember that I felt like this and that…but it was blurry. I needed to read it again to have it really click. It was like oh yeah, it was a lot back then. I was really struggling.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s incredibly important to record your extreme thoughts and emotions when you’re in a depressive state. It’s helpful. Because reading through that entry taught me an incredibly valuable lesson for the future.
These extreme emotions and thoughts are fleeting. When you’re out of this state, this will feel alien to you. Feel what you feel, but don’t surrender to these feelings. They’re heightened. You might feel these emotions outside a depressive state, but it’s not to this scale.
I don’t always sit down and pour my heart out when I’m in a depressive state. Some days, the simple act of getting of bed is all I can manage. But…I’m happy I had it in me to write that entry. I think this lesson will really help me in the future. I think I’m ready to write about my past more. To not just have the general story of abuse, but actually share some of his actions. To release me from them. Because yes, I’ve made peace with my past…but maybe I haven’t completely let go yet. Maybe writing my story will allow that for me. Maybe, I will be able to fly then.
Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!