No one prepares you for this moment. There isn’t a handbook that I can reference to help guide me through this. I somehow need to wrap my head around all of this and find the strength to continue forward. On Tuesday, the 9th of June, I had to let go of a loved one. I had to say goodbye. I can’t quite find the words to express just how much my heart aches, but I did the right thing. I let go of someone toxic in my life. I let go of someone who couldn’t be who I needed them to be. I let go of someone who wasn’t able to give me what I deserved. I had to let go and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I had to let go of my own mother.
I don’t think I will ever understand why this had to happen. I don’t think I will ever be okay with it, but it was a decision that I had to make. And regardless of how much I’m hurting now, I’m happy I found it in myself to let go. I hate that I was forced to make this decision and it’s not okay that I had to. But doing the right thing is often the hardest. I’ve never really spoken about my mother on here. It’s always been difficult for me to open up about that part of my life because I didn’t want to come across as a bad daughter. I didn’t want to hurt her, but this is my story and I’m allowed to tell it. She might not ever be able to admit this, but I will. My mother isn’t a good mother. She is selfish and my needs always came last. There are so many stories and instances I can tell, and I might one day, but I don’t need to explain the reasoning behind the decision. I don’t need to explain why I had to let go and I won’t until I’m ready. I came on here today because I wanted to share this piece I created.
I needed to visualize my feelings. I needed to visualize my decision and so, I spend the entire day just focusing on that. Art is an old passion of mine that I’ve recently rediscovered. I was able to express my feelings with this piece when I couldn’t find the words.
In this piece, you see the young me, clinging onto the toxic balloon with all her might. She has no choice but to depend on this balloon with the hopes that it will guide her on the right path. Right in front of this little girl, you see her walking forward as an adult. She had let go of that black balloon without looking back or reaching for it. As she now has all the balloons she could ever ask for, loving and supporting her every single step of the way. She doesn’t need that black balloon anymore and won’t reach for it while it remains black. She had let go and she won’t look back.
I realize that it’s going to hurt for a while and there’s nothing I can do to prevent it. I lost someone and now I need mourn for that relationship. For now, I’m going to focus on the things I can control and be as gentle with myself as I possibly can be. I will probably be drawing quite a bit in this time. I’m slowly discovering my own personal art style and it feels good. I’m going to focus on the good and the positive, and allow myself to grieve.
Thank you for reading and please stay safe out there. It’s a scary and stressful time, but hold onto those positive balloons and moments, they will guide you through this darkness.