Last night, I got a pretty nasty message from a friend of my mother. I will insert the translated version in a bit – my Afrikaans readers can see it down below in all its glory because…it really is something – but sharing this message with you all isn’t the reason for this blog.
My relationship with my mother has been rocky for years. I knew that I had to set my boundaries and ask for more, but I also knew the outcome. I didn’t try to delude myself these last few years to think otherwise. Other than the fact that I realized that if I set healthy boundaries with my mother, she might not be able to meet them which will force me to stand by these boundaries and end the relationship. I also knew that some people will react in a negative way. Society tends to frown on this as it’s so incredibly deeply ingrained that because it’s family you need to forgive and forget. Because it’s family, you need to accept the toxicity and abuse. Fuck no. I shouldn’t even have to say this, but fuck that’s a dangerous line of thinking. The fact that you carried someone and gave birth to them doesn’t make you a mother. You become a mother when you put in the work.
The reason why I posted that blog yesterday wasn’t to hurt my mother. I don’t hate my mother. I’m angry and disappointed. But I don’t hate her. I don’t hate anyone. I don’t even hate the man that abused me. I did in the past, but I realized over the years that the only person hatred hurts, is you. I want the best for my mom. I want her to succeed and be happy. I just wasn’t willing to accept the toxic relationship anymore. So, I asked for more. I set my boundaries – mind you that I talked to my therapist in length about this and I have every single fucking right to ask for what I asked for – and she couldn’t meet them. There is nothing else to it. So, why did I post that blog? I did it for myself. I did it so I can force myself to let go. The days following the initial here is my boundaries message, I kept waiting and if I’m honest a part of me is still waiting. I left some doors open, but I needed to force myself to start letting go. I shared that blog yesterday to start the healing process.
Before I insert the message and talk about it, I just want to stress this one last thing. I’m not going to explain myself and justify my decision. I don’t expect anyone to understand this decision, but respecting it would be nice. I refuse to come up here and explain why I made this decision before I’m ready. I don’t own it to anyone. If I decide to open up, it will be on my terms. I deserved more growing up and I deserve more now.
Hey, you need to lower your head in shame over what you did to your mother. You need to just remember one thing, it doesn’t matter what your mom and dad does, they stay your parents. It doesn’t matter if your mom is a whore and your dad is an alcoholic. But no, you couldn’t do that. I lost all respect for you. You still have a good mother. Go sit for a moment and think my child. I’ve known you for years and no this wasn’t nice of you. Go think about what you’re doing to your mother. But regret always comes to late. It really does. You need to go on one knee and beg for forgiveness from the all mighty Father. This web that Satan wrapped you in is making you into someone you’re not. You need to think carefully about this. Nobody is perfect. NOBODY. Not even you. God doesn’t sleep. Believe me, God doesn’t sleep.
I told yah it was a pretty nasty message. Originally, I wanted to respond and defend myself, but a conversation in anger is only going to make this entire situation so much harder than it needs to be. Reading this message hurt, but I’m mainly angry if I’m honest. Although the Satan part made me laugh out loud. I don’t mean to be disrespectful towards the religion – although my beliefs are dismissed – but as someone who was raised in the religion…it’s funny. If Satan is to thank for all the changes I’ve made these last few years, then he ain’t that bad buddy. I-I keep needing to stop myself and erase words that were typed in anger. I really want to defend myself. Who wouldn’t after receiving a message like that? I want to scream and cry out my side of the story. But I won’t. Why? Not only am I not ready to open that can of worms publicly, heck I only recently allowed myself to open it in private. I also know that if I respond now – if I go into detail now and share my story – it will be done out of anger. So, I’m forcing myself to back off. I’m forcing myself to let go.
In a way, I’m happy I got this message. I expected a negative response from society, and instead got this from someone I cared for. Now, at least strangers won’t even come close to beating that message. It’s always nice to get the worst thrown into your face right of the bat. I’m forcing myself to find the positive in this mess and laugh if off. Hey, I didn’t come on here to lie to myself or you. Fortunately, I have a wonderful support system and I’m in regular contact with my therapist. I will somehow get through this. The best way I was able to explain how I feel about everything is: I feel lost and hurt while knowing I’m on the right path. This isn’t an easy situation and my decision wasn’t made in the heat of the moment. I knew what I was walking myself into before sending out that message, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to prevent the response and protect myself from the hurt. So, if anything, I’ve learned that it’s better to be brutally honest with yourself. Last time – I’m talking about the time I told everyone about my childhood trauma and abuse – the response caught my off guard and caused so much pain and anguish. At least this time, I knew it was coming and knew I couldn’t prepare myself for it. I do want to add this and it’s leaning on the defending myself side – I never deluded myself for one second that I was Miss Perfect and the very thought that someone perceived that of me is comical. Don’t mind me, just trying to find the bright side of things. I’m also forcing myself not to write in anger which is proving to be nearly impossible. It’s exhausting so I’m going to round this blog off here. I’m not sure what more I can say without falling into the defending and explaining myself territory. Plus, the more I think about the message, the angrier I get.
Thank you for all the love and support. I appreciate the respect that was shown towards my decision.
PS Here is the screenshot for my Afrikaans readers.