Today, one year ago I published my first book. My husband surprised me with a hard copy today and let’s just say I’m incredibly emotional. It’s been a rough and heartbreaking week, and holding and seeing it in my arms reminded me that I need to celebrate my achievements more. It’s been a year and it never quite sunk in through my thick skull what I did and how much it meant to me. I’m a published author. I wrote something that I should celebrate more. I wrote something that I shouldn’t shy away from. I wrote something I’m proud of. I took something I wrote as a teenager who was obsessed with Wattpad werewolves’ books, and turned it into something I’m proud of today.
A lot happened after a published the book. I mentioned it here and there, but well…there was an incident just after the launch of the book. I didn’t handle it correctly and I’ve come a long way since then…but I will be lying if I said it didn’t have a massive impact on me. I couldn’t write for months. I was able to sit down and write for the first time just the other day. This incident, where I had triggered someone, stuck with me and instead of celebrating my hard work, I felt immense guilt. As I’ve grown as an author and tend to enjoy writing a bit more intense content, as in, sensitive subject matter that will trigger people. I realized that it’s probably going to happen again but I’ve done what I could. At some point, it’s the consumer’s responsibility to do research before purchasing a product. I know it might sound rude and it definitely might raise some eyebrows, but other than telling the customer that hey chapter x is intense so if you’re triggered by this and that, then well don’t read it, what more can I do? As a writer, who spend hours of work building up to that moment, it doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not going to smack the biggest spoiler ever before you even read the book. Nope, but saying that, I will make it clear that the book in general contains sensitive subject matter. I found that it was a good middle ground for all parties. The months after I published the book, the incident was all I could focus on. I lost my confidence as a writer and felt terrified to write anything. With the help of my therapist and surprisingly enough one comment from my father in law, I managed to find my voice again. But I still never celebrated the achievement that it was.
This book means the world to me. I wrote it when things were very intense and I was barely coping with life. It was my escape and what started it all for me. It wasn’t my first book ever, but it was the first book that I shared with others. It was the book where strangers became my friends and cheered me on my darkest of days. In a way, this book saved me. I always knew that if I ever took that big step towards following my dream and publishing a book, this book had to be it. And then last year as I was working on the final version you see today; it became my escape once more. As just two months before publishing the final version, my dad had flat-lined on the operating table. The doctors were able to bring him back and for that, I’m incredibly grateful, but the fact remained that I wasn’t handling the news very well. I had realized the horrible reality that even if I left the very second my dad said he didn’t feel so hot, I never would’ve made it on time to say goodbye. It’s something I had no choice but to accept.
Today is the first time that I truly celebrated that I published a book. Today is the first time I realized that it was good enough. I have a long way to go when it comes to my insecurities and doubts, but today I took a step in the right direction. Somehow, this book always manages to save me when I need it the most. It saved me from the abuse, it saved me from the heartbreak of nearly losing my father, and today it saved me from…me. This past week was intense and I’m still mourning for the loss…I don’t mean to be cryptic. A blog is going up tomorrow. I’m just not in the place to talk about it. I can’t quite wrap my head around it. But before my brain slips into that depressing never-ending black hole, I’m going to focus on the simple fact that I’M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. I worked hard and made my dream come true.
I made a TikTok in the moment and a part of me hates it – I don’t like being on camera – but I look so happy. I’m going to force myself to keep it up. Here is the link to the TikTok as I’m pretty sure the music is copyrighted.
I just want to take this moment to thank my readers. I don’t think I can ever quite express how much your support meant to me, then and now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please take care and stay safe.
Much love,
Cassy xxx
ButterflyFingers 