Author: Cassandra Meaker

Life is for living
Information Desk

New Logo Reveal!!!

Cassandra Meaker

As it’s been a few months since we made the switch to the new website name, I just had to celebrate with a new logo. Gabi, the artist of all the Baby work you see on here, did a wonderful job on this one.

Now without further ado, here is Baby in her butterfly crown.

baby-with-butterflys-2

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Side note: You might’ve noticed that a blog didn’t go up yesterday on the first. I will have one go up somewhere this week. I’m determined to use this next month before my studies to work ahead so I won’t miss an upload. Take care and stay safe! Cassy

Blog, My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It

A Year Ago Today, I Published My First Book

Cassandra Meaker

Today, one year ago I published my first book. My husband surprised me with a hard copy today and let’s just say I’m incredibly emotional. It’s been a rough and heartbreaking week, and holding and seeing it in my arms reminded me that I need to celebrate my achievements more. It’s been a year and it never quite sunk in through my thick skull what I did and how much it meant to me. I’m a published author. I wrote something that I should celebrate more. I wrote something that I shouldn’t shy away from. I wrote something I’m proud of. I took something I wrote as a teenager who was obsessed with Wattpad werewolves’ books, and turned it into something I’m proud of today.

A lot happened after a published the book. I mentioned it here and there, but well…there was an incident just after the launch of the book. I didn’t handle it correctly and I’ve come a long way since then…but I will be lying if I said it didn’t have a massive impact on me. I couldn’t write for months. I was able to sit down and write for the first time just the other day. This incident, where I had triggered someone, stuck with me and instead of celebrating my hard work, I felt immense guilt. As I’ve grown as an author and tend to enjoy writing a bit more intense content, as in, sensitive subject matter that will trigger people. I realized that it’s probably going to happen again but I’ve done what I could. At some point, it’s the consumer’s responsibility to do research before purchasing a product. I know it might sound rude and it definitely might raise some eyebrows, but other than telling the customer that hey chapter x is intense so if you’re triggered by this and that, then well don’t read it, what more can I do? As a writer, who spend hours of work building up to that moment, it doesn’t sit well with me. I’m not going to smack the biggest spoiler ever before you even read the book. Nope, but saying that, I will make it clear that the book in general contains sensitive subject matter. I found that it was a good middle ground for all parties. The months after I published the book, the incident was all I could focus on. I lost my confidence as a writer and felt terrified to write anything. With the help of my therapist and surprisingly enough one comment from my father in law, I managed to find my voice again. But I still never celebrated the achievement that it was.

This book means the world to me. I wrote it when things were very intense and I was barely coping with life. It was my escape and what started it all for me. It wasn’t my first book ever, but it was the first book that I shared with others. It was the book where strangers became my friends and cheered me on my darkest of days. In a way, this book saved me. I always knew that if I ever took that big step towards following my dream and publishing a book, this book had to be it. And then last year as I was working on the final version you see today; it became my escape once more. As just two months before publishing the final version, my dad had flat-lined on the operating table. The doctors were able to bring him back and for that, I’m incredibly grateful, but the fact remained that I wasn’t handling the news very well. I had realized the horrible reality that even if I left the very second my dad said he didn’t feel so hot, I never would’ve made it on time to say goodbye. It’s something I had no choice but to accept.

Today is the first time that I truly celebrated that I published a book. Today is the first time I realized that it was good enough. I have a long way to go when it comes to my insecurities and doubts, but today I took a step in the right direction. Somehow, this book always manages to save me when I need it the most. It saved me from the abuse, it saved me from the heartbreak of nearly losing my father, and today it saved me from…me. This past week was intense and I’m still mourning for the loss…I don’t mean to be cryptic. A blog is going up tomorrow. I’m just not in the place to talk about it. I can’t quite wrap my head around it. But before my brain slips into that depressing never-ending black hole, I’m going to focus on the simple fact that I’M A PUBLISHED AUTHOR. I worked hard and made my dream come true.

I made a TikTok in the moment and a part of me hates it – I don’t like being on camera – but I look so happy. I’m going to force myself to keep it up. Here is the link to the TikTok as I’m pretty sure the music is copyrighted.

I just want to take this moment to thank my readers. I don’t think I can ever quite express how much your support meant to me, then and now. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Please take care and stay safe.

Much love,

Cassy xxx

Information Desk

Welcome To ButterflyFingers! Previously Known As fitcouchpotato

Cassandra Meaker

It’s a sweet mixture of emotions swimming, nay flying, inside my belly right now. I can’t believe I’m finally sitting down and finalizing this change. As of May 2020, fitcouchpotato is going to be rebranded to ButterflyFingers.

Holy shit! Holy shit! Holy shit! I’m actually doing this! EEPPPPPPPPPP!!!

This change has been a long time coming, but if I’m perfectly honest, I’ve been afraid. It just always felt like an incredibly big change and something I needed to be 110% sure about. It baffles me how I can be so impulsive with quite big decisions in my life but on the flip side, I can be so indecisive over the smallest things. Although saying that, this isn’t a small change. It’s going to be confusing. I’ve spent these last 3 years as fitcouchpotato, and before that, a good 4 years as fitcouchpotato online. I’m attached. But, it just doesn’t fit anymore.

It’s not you. It’s me. I will always love you but it’s time to move on. Shhhh, don’t cry. I know change is scary, but it’s natural.

When I launched this website, I was actively, almost obsessively, into fitness. I breathed, talked and cried fitness. Leading up to the launch, my life was packed full of fitness and I understandingly thought that my website would reflect that. At the time, I was playing around with the idea of becoming a lifestyle coach, a blend between a personal trainer and a nutritionist if I have to explain it. Life, however, had other plans. My website very quickly fell into it’s own special blend of content and over time, the fitcouchpotato brand just didn’t fit or make sense. Considering, it’s been over a year since my last fitness related blog. How badly it fits was highlighted when I started to make big website changes. I realized what I needed to do, but gathering the courage to take the leap, took a few months.

ButterflyFingers is a blast from the past. I can’t even begin to explain how much power it holds. It’s packed with nostalgia, happiness and represents a simpler time in my life. It’s been my Wattpad username for years. It fits. It captures me as a writer. It was my past, but now it can be my future.

So, without further ado…

Welcome to ButterflyFingers and I will see you in a click!

End Note

Information Desk

The Artist Behind All The Art You See On My Website

Cassandra Meaker

Hey, this is going to be a quick blog that I will come back to update every few months.

I wanted to pop in and show off some of the art Gabi, the creator of my mascot – the digital mouse called Baby –  has made for me these last months. I can’t stress enough how much I love her work. I highly recommend her. It’s a pleasure to work with her – I mean clearly because I keep coming back lols. As I continue working with her in the future, I want this blog to become a showcase of her talents and a portfolio of all the work she has done for my website.

You can find her Instagram here.

You can find her Sketchmob here.

You can find her Behance here.

You can email her on lynxart.contact@gmail.com for commissions.

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My Logo

Logo

To quickly explain why I have a mouse for a logo and mascot – here is my logic. So, I end all my blogs with this little liner “Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!”

Reading = book

click = computer mouse

It just makes sense to me. I then very clearly fell in love with this adorable little digital mouse and named her Baby.

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My Goodbye Picture

End Note

I basically couldn’t decide between this picture and the logo picture and wanted both. I decided to put it at the end of my blog but I can promise you, I will eventually have Gabi make me something special for the end of my blogs. It’s on the list.

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Welcome Wave

Welcome Wave

You probably see this adorable little wave on every page you click on all over my website. I’m raising Baby to be super well mannered and she greets you every single time with a cute little wave.

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Furbabies Family Photo

Fur Family rbg

Our first non-mouse piece together! I really wanted to have a family photo of all the furbabies but I accepted reality and realized I would never in a million years get them to all take a picture together. I just knew Gabi would do a fantastic job at this, so I had her put this masterpiece together. I really love how it turned out. Gabi went above and beyond with this, with not only incorporating all of their favorite toys but also our feature wall in the living room. I love the idea that we will be able to remember our ombre wall from our first home forever.

We had this piece printed and framed. It really adds to our home and I love it.

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Baby Is Pregnant!

Baby pregnant srgb

I can’t tell you how special this piece is to me. It’s very near and dear to my heart. As you might know, my husband and I have been trying to conceive and grow our little family since December 2017. I asked Gabi if she could create this for me and have it serve as a good luck charm. She did a wonderful job incorporating so many special little things into the piece.

Let’s talk about some of the little details you see here.

  • The background is the same print as the first baby outfit I’ve ever bought. It was a big day and took me two years.
  • The little gorilla you see in the corner there is a teddy Onno bought for me on our second date. The gorilla was playing hide and see at the zoo and to cheer me up, Onno bought that cute little teddy.
  • The little zebra blankie you see next to the pineapple came along with that first baby set I bought. I can’t wait to see my precious baby take comfort in their little blankie one day.
  • The pineapple is there to represent our infertility journey. I also have a pineapple tattoo.
  • The blue little shoes with the clouds on references to the ceiling in the baby room.
  • Also, how cute is the mouse version of Onno. Baby found herself a wonderful husband. With the same beautiful blue eyes as my precious husband in real life.

I can’t wait for the day where I can come up here and use this picture with an ultrasound just a few paragraphs later.

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Baby Loves Her Coffee

white background

Baby, like her mother, enjoys a cup of coffee way too much. She too, can’t drink it on a daily basis so when she does, she gets a bit excited.

Quite a bit of time has passed between this piece and the last one. In between Gabi changed her art style. I really love the new look of Baby. Also, isn’t that little tongue the cutest little thing ever?!

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Watermelon Baby

I’m obsessed with anything watermelon so I naturally had to get Gabi to draw Baby with a watermelon. And she delivered. I plan to get at least one of them as a tattoo eventually. I will definitely come back on here to share the tattoo when the day finally comes. I just want to finish my half sleeve before I get any new tattoos, so it’s going to take awhile. Which one of the three do you like the most? I couldn’t choose and had her make all three.

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Butterfly Baby – New Logo

baby-with-butterflys-2

As we recently got ourselves a new name, I naturally had to get a new logo to celebrate. Isn’t she the prettiest little thing ever? It’s been amazing to see Gabi grow as an artist.

~*~

This is all the work she has done for me up to July 2020. I will try to come here and update it as we finish more pieces. Some might have to wait as they might be attached to a special launch or event, but otherwise, you will see it here almost immediately. If you commission Gabi, tell her Baby send you.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

End Note

Blog, Writing Corner

My Grandmother Was An Author Too | My Daddy Cares by Pam Meaker

Cassandra Meaker

Today, I’m sharing something special in the honor of my dearest grandmother. Her very own published book, My Daddy Cares.

My grandmother was a beautiful soul that truly made a difference in all the lives she touched. She was such a positive and vibrant woman, and she will forever be missed. I’m so incredibly grateful that I was blessed to have a woman like her in my life. Some of my fondest childhood memories are of the two of us in her garden, playing our game. I love her dearly. May she rest in peace.

IMG_0517

~*~

My Daddy Cares

About the author:

Pammie was born on the 23rd of June 1936 in the city of Sheffield! Having grown up in the war, devastation and surrounding bomb attacks were quite normal to her! She was regularly taking cover in the bomb shelter during the night! I remember her telling me how she would have to queue to get a small piece of lard. And how she ate her first banana at the age of twelve! At the tender age of 15, this beautiful girl and her family bravely relocated to southern Rhodesia where she met the love of her life Rodney Meaker! Pammie had 5 boys and a daughter. She was the matriarch of a loving and close family but she also had an incredible amount of hardship! Her one son died of cancer at a young age of 33, another survived a terrible motorcycle accident! And then all the regular stuff a mom would have to deal with having 5 hooligan (motorcycle mad) sons and a daughter who was as much of a tomboy as they come! Pammie’s house has elastic walls and her pots of food always had place for one more guest around the table! She spent her life helping, counseling and simply being there for folk! As a devout Christian, she honored God in every aspect of her life and touched many, many souls! About 14 years ago Pammie was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy. She dealt with the illness bravely and was soon in remission. Two years ago, the cancer came back aggressively and Pammie passed away in January 2020! Her book “My Daddy Cares” is a testament to her life and is but a taste of God’s small mercies in her life. Read it and be blessed!

The purpose of this eBook:

This book was written by Pamela June Meaker, my dearest grandmother. I’m sharing this with you, so her words and message can live on and reach more lives. 90% of the proceeds (10% to cover service fees) will be donated to the Cancer Research UK charity in her name. This donation will be made on the last day of each month. I will come back on here (and on the product description) every month to share the amount we donated together.

~*~

You can purchase her book, My Daddy Cares by clicking here.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

End Note

Blog, Writing Corner

A Story From My Past. One Decade Later.

Cassandra Meaker

I was so close to sharing this last year, but I wanted to wait until we hit that ten-year mark. Well, technically it’s not even ten years yet but fuck it, let’s start this year with a bang. Sharing this embarrassing little hint to the past was a no brainer for me. What other way to start the year on a good note than to look back on how far you have come. Fuck, that’s the worst sentence ever. Why does it sound so wrong? I promise I’m a good writer. Or at least, I’m a lot better than what you’re about to read. Trust me? Buy my eBook? Okay, let’s try that again. What other way can one start a year on a good note than to look back on how far you have come. Nope. That doesn’t sound right either. What other way can you start a year than to look back on how far you have come? It’s getting worse? Fuck this shit, you know what I mean. It’s healthy to look back and pat yourself on the back every now and again. Like take a fucking moment to celebrate your growth. Roar. This statement is my undoing. Moving on.

I’ve been writing for a very long time now. What started as a hobby quickly turned into a distraction when shit started to hit the fan. Over the years, writing became so much more. It means so much more. It’s my therapy. It’s my escape. It’s my voice. It’s my story. Now, a decade later, I can comfortably call myself a published author. Someone paid to read a story I wrote. This fact still blows my mind. I’m so incredibly grateful to have a platform where I can share my stories.

May this year be full of great adventures, great writing and so much more. But…before that, let’s see where I came from. Without further ado, here is chapter one from my very first story…ever. I wrote this when I was fourteen years old so prepare yourself for a large dosage of painful second-hand cringe.

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Prologue

 

I never believed in happy endings, mostly because I could still remember the time when everything was perfect. A time when I had no problem, nothing to worry about. Oh how that time was wonderful. How naive I was back then.

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   “Keep up!” Drake screamed while looking over his shoulder. I laughed and pushed my legs to run a little faster. I have to catch him. Drake’s red came flapped in the wind as he ran. At eight years old he truly loved Superman and playing make belief. He would always be the hero saving all his victims who was mostly played by me. He never failed to rescue me from the big bad villain. Mom and dad were right behind me, most likely to stop me from scaring people. I knew the way I was screaming and waving for Drake to slow down must have made me look crazy, but I did not mind. I kept on laughing and almost lost my footing when Drake turned around to make a face and ran straight into a tree. I laughed loudly while mom rushed to his side. Once sure that it was only the shock that made the brave boy cry; she turned towards me with a scowl on her face. It was clear she was not happy that I laughed at my brother. Drake got over his pain and bruised pride quickly and jumped out of our mother’s arms and ran towards me. The look on his face made it clear that I was going to pay for laughing for him. I turned around and ran. I could not stop the little cries of laughter as I ran. I looked behind me only to see that Drake was catching up fast. I suddenly felt my world move and I came crashing down onto the hard ground. I turned around to see a big fat tree root sticking out of the ground. Is this revenge for laughing at my dear brother? I could feel the tears roll down my cheeks as the pain ripped through my body. My knees were badly scarped and the blood was pouring down from the open wound filled with dirt and small rocks.

  “Sweetheart; are you all right?”  I looked up to see mom bending over me with a worried expression on her face. She dropped on her knees next to me and pulled me into a comforting hug. I gave in and cried out while hugging my mother for support. It hurt. She hugged me tight and suddenly my tears just stopped and I could hear myself laughing. Everyone looked at me like I was crazy, but I did not mind. They clearly did not see the joke in all of this. The joke in life.

  “The trees mommy, they are mad at me so they tripped me.” I said as if it explained everything. Mom let me go in shock, not quite sure what to do while I jumped up and tackled Drake to the ground. I won!

  “I got you!” I said and jumped out of his way before he could react. I ran. Now it is my turn to be caught. I turned around to see all the faces of the people I love chase after me. They were trying to catch me. I smiled.

***

I took him an hour to return to the waiting room. I knew this because my eyes never trailed away from the big while clock hanging on the wall above the reception desk. Drake, now twenty one years old, returned to me with a mask on his face. I knew what he was doing. He was trying to hide his pain from me, but I knew pain to well. I lived with pain for all my years. I will not change now. The glassy look in his eyes told stories. He has been crying the whole night and I could not blame me. Yet, some feelings fell between the cracks of his mask he wore. I could see the anger. I understood his anger. How could something so horrible happen to our family? We have gone through enough horrors, but it must not have been enough. Today started normal but yet it ended in something straight out of our worst nightmares.

I got home in a rush and found the door half open. I paid it no mind. My head was to dizzy for me to care about anything other than relieving myself from the pain. The alcohol was clearly having his toll on my body. The fight this morning left me annoyed and with only one thing to cure the anger in my body, I had no choice. Drugs and alcohol always helped me solve my problems, they never have failed me. I stop straight into the living room, something was different. Usually when I got home at this time of the day I would find my parents watching some stupid series that I had no time for. The living room was deserted with the television off and the couch empty and cold. It was clear no one has watching anything on that couch for some time. The thought of my parents simply not being home crossed my mind, but some annoying feeling in the back of my head made it impossible to believe it. Usually when no one home, my mom would leave on the radio. She said it gives a person a lovely environment when you come home. It never really bothered me. I ignored the feeling, it was most likely the great amount of drugs and alcohol I have in my system. It was simply just playing tricks with me. I walked to the kitchen, my mind set on my desperate search for something to sate the hunger I got from the drugs. Opening the refrigerator I found leftovers from last night and quickly placed it in the microwave to be heated. While waiting for the food to heat up, I went upstairs. As I passed my parents’ bedroom door the annoying feeling came back to me. I knocked on their door and pressed my ear against the cold door. When no sound met my ears, I simply shrugged. They were mostly likely asleep. They were sleeping a lot these days. I guess the age is catching up to them. Deciding that the annoying feeling is just the drugs, I went to my bathroom and cleaned my face. It is always better to be safe than sorry. If they do wake up and see me like this I would never hear the end of it and I am in no way excited for another fight to break out. No matter how angry I made them, they always forgave me. They were under the impression that the little crazy girl that believed that tree can have feelings. I grew up a long time ago and they have yet to accept it.

The beep of the microwave shook me out of my thoughts. I quickly made my way downstairs and after grabbing my food and a glass of juice, I made myself comfortable on the cold couch. I ate happily while smoking a cigarette. After seeing there was nothing on television I simply ate peacefully with my mind as my entertainment. I looked around the room, already bored with myself and my thoughts. My eyes landed on my bag and I sighed. I leaned forward and pulled the bag towards me. Pulling out my Math book I shrugged and started to work out some problems. It took me about ten minutes to finish my homework and once that was done I threw it on the coffee table. Oh how my day has turned out. I was so damn bored that even homework can be seen as some sort of entertainment, but that of course will never last long. Deciding that there was nothing else downstairs for me to do; I went upstairs and knocked on my parents’ bedroom door once again; the annoying feeling never leaving the back of my mind. Should I not be overjoyed with this peace? For once I was left alone without the nagging voice of my mother…and yet, the paranoid feeling that something was wrong never left. I got out my flyleaf shirt and just as I through it on my bed, I noticed a neatly folded letter, with mother’s handwriting. What? Did they go on some honeymoon thing and forgot to tell us? Why write a letter? There is something like cell phone. You know, the thing you never got me for my birthday. I rolled my eyes and ignored the letter, if it was important they would have left a note on the fridge like they always do. I got out some hot clothes and quickly got dress. I’m going out. I need more joints. I can just say that when I read the letter telling me something really stupid I took the time to go out. I sighed and walked out of my bedroom. I stopped once again on my out, at their room. Still no sound. Are they even here? Maybe, I should peak? The paranoia feeling was still with me when I was almost out of the house, I sighed and ran upstairs. I grabbed the letter and walked to the living room. I took another drag and opened the letter.

 Dear my loving daughter, Sapphira

I’m afraid I could not hold it longer.

Me and your Father could not live like this for much longer. Me and your Father killed ourselves, I’m sorry there is no easier way to tell you this. I want to make my final wish, I want you to be careful and to take of yourself. Don’t do anything childish. No more Drugs! Your killing yourself. I always knew. Me and your Father.

I wrote this letter, saying goodbye and I just want you to know me and your father love you and your brother truly much and with time you would forgive us. Don’t go in our room, I’m afraid the picture you will see, will haunt you forever. Take this letter to the neighbour and let him handle it. I’m truly sorry for leaving you so soon.

Love,

Mother and Father.

I remember screaming and running out of the house to the neighbour, before he can even ask what’s wrong I fall in his arms and sobbed. My brother told me after I fell into James, our neighbour, I couldn’t stop shaking and crying. I was in a state, but I got the word ‘letter’ out. After James read the letter he rushed off to the phone and called the police and ambulance. There was nothing they could do, it was to late. I don’t remember much about what happened next, just blue light mixed with red. I saw them bringing stretchers out our house, on the stretchers were my parents. They covered them up, but I could see blood staining the white blanked. My brother was talking to the police, finding out what’s going to happen to us, now. When he returned, I knew there was some news, but if it was good or bad, I couldn’t make out. His face was red from all the crying, he got a letter too, telling him their sorry and how much they love us and how sorry they are. The same old thing. I never needed a joint as I did now. I want to forget. Forget I ever found the letter. Couldn’t I have been right when I thought they were on a second honeymoon? Why kill themselves? W don’t have big problems. There is always food on the table.

  “Hey.” He slumped next to me on the highly uncomfortable chair. His usual brown hair is all messy, it looked like he ran his fingers through it a number of times, which he only does, when there is trouble, something complicated that was left for him to solve. I tried to give him a fake smile, but tears broke and I could feel his strong arms supporting me. He said nothing, I cried and he just sat there and kissed my forehead, holding me like a baby, caressing me.

After what seemed like hours, my tears dried and I could feel myself drifting to sleep. Drake, my brother, said nothing and played with my hair, till my eyes fell closed and I drifted in a peace sleep, forgetting that my parents killed themselves and that Drake probably under a lot of stress is right now. I forgot everything and dreamed, dreamed that there was some right in this world. Dreamed that everything is disappearing.

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Yeah.

You can’t say I didn’t warn you. And yes, it was incredibly traumatic to read through this cringe-fest. I can’t believe I confidently send this to a publisher. Excuse me, I’m just going to go stuff my head into an oven.

And just because I really, REALLY, really want to die from embarrassment. Here is the entire copy. Yes, there is more. And yes, it gets better/worse. My 14-year-old virgin-self wrote sex scenes. Yes. It’s that bad. You’re welcome.

hunted cover

Hunted Book One of the Pain Series (Unedited)

Before I go and hide for a few days, I just want to take a moment to thank everyone who has supported me on this journey. I appreciate it.

Thank you so much for reading and I will see you in a click!

skmb_full_21164024

PS Here are some fun details that I definitely almost forgot to add to this blog so I’m throwing it in at the end.

Word Count

Information Desk

Cassandra Meaker As A Writer | Read This Before You Read Or Buy ANY Of My Books

Cassandra Meaker

PLEASE READ!!!

The purpose of this blog is to warn anyone and everyone who is considering reading or purchasing any of my books in the future. This is about trigger warnings. I personally dislike it when an author will warn me at the beginning of the book or prior to the scene in question about x subject matter. It spoils the mystery for me, and I feel that it takes something away from the book. Recent events have taught me that if I continue to write about sensitive subjects with a vague warning at the start of the book (Example: This book contains strong language, sex scenes, and extreme violence.) I will trigger some of my readers. The content of my book can cause them extreme emotional distress, and if I have warned them from the start, they could’ve made the choice if they wish to read the book (scenes) or not. Before I briefly touch on the recent event in question, I want to stress this now.

I write about sensitive topics ranging from suicide, depression, infertility, rape, anxiety, trauma, torture and etc. I doubt all of my books will contain all of the subjects listed above, but some of them will. If you’re triggered by any of these topics, please don’t read my works. From this point and onwards, if you see the warning: “This book contains sensitive subject matter” please know that I’m referring to this list. If I happen to write a story that doesn’t contain any of these scenes, I will clearly state it from the start. I WILL NEVER AGAIN TAKE YOUR CHOICE AWAY.

After the launch of my first eBook: My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It, a received a comment that brought the high from my dream coming true from a level 6000 to a level 0. It was quite clear in her comment that she has suffered extreme emotional distress with some of the content in my book. I just want to clarify from the start that I can see now that I didn’t handle the situation correctly, but honestly, I have no idea how I should’ve handled everything. I just made things worse, and that is really fucking sad. Saying that, this shit storm has been an eye-opening learning experience.

While I knew that the sensitive subject matters that I choose to write about is well sensitive, I never truly considered the consequences of this. I personally feel the topic of triggers and trigger warnings is messy with no clear winner. After I saw her initial response (I’ve decided not to share any of our interactions together as I don’t want to make an already bad situation worse by possibly putting her identity out in the open.) I went back and forth about what I should’ve done or what more importantly I should do so this doesn’t happen again in the future. I quickly had to realize that it’s impossible to please everyone. It’s impossible not to trigger someone or upset someone when you write about sensitive topics. The thing is, I like writing about sensitive, almost taboo subjects. I want to write about things that people don’t really talk about. I want to open the dialogue. Another thing to keep in the back of your mind is that I write from personal experience. I’ve always done this.

My trigger is anything related to suicide and infertility. I have a special sweet spot for religion related to infertility. Now those comments really grind my gears. I think every single person has something they respond to intensely. We all have some sort of triggers. It’s just one of those things. I’m not about to sit here on my little throne and preach that you need to learn how to cope with your triggers and blah blah blah. You’re allowed to feel what you’re feeling. No one on this big earth can tell you how you’re supposed to feel. Pain is pain. But in that very same breath, sometimes a push into the deep end is all you need to learn how to swim. Allow me to explain. So, one night, I stumbled onto a romance story with a little tragic twist to it. I like my characters to have some trauma to them because that’s what I relate to. Anyway, in this story, the main character is struggling with a breakup. It’s only a few chapters in that you learn that the love of her life is in fact, dead. Probably a good ten to fifteen chapters later we learn that this person had committed suicide. It caught me off guard. I was blindsided, and I was upset, but I kept reading. I couldn’t stop reading. I had to know what the main character’s response is to this. It was a whole new perspective for me. For the very first time, I could see the people you leave behind’s point of view. As someone who was suicidal, I’m on the other side of the fence. I never for one second thought about what the people who I left behind would think or feel. So, that little plot twist send me down a truly ugly rabbit hole, but it was good for me. I needed to learn that other perspective. With that being said, I still cried quite a bit and struggled to sleep for a few days because my brain wouldn’t shut the hell up. That author had no trigger warning. It would’ve ruined the plot twist. It would’ve ruined her message. She didn’t stop mid-chapter or mid-story to throw out a trigger warning. She simply pushed me into the deep end, I swallowed a shit ton of water, and the chlorine burned the shit out of my eyes, but I doggy paddled my way to the middle of the pool where I could stand and gather my thoughts.

So, what’s I’m trying to say is that I get it. I’ve been triggered before, and some warning would’ve been nice, so I could’ve protected myself from the pain and not read it, but then I wouldn’t have gained that new perspective. But in the very same breath, it could’ve gone the other way. There is just no winner in this situation. What I realize now is that if I continue to write about the sensitive subject matters, and I continue to grow, at some point, I’m going to upset more and more people. I’m going to trigger them. My heart goes out for them because I’ve been there before and I understand that these types of things never happen in a good timing in your life, but I’m not going to change. I’m going to talk about abuse because it helps me overcome my own abuse. I’m going to talk about suicide because nearly ten years ago, I nearly took my own life. I’m going to talk about rape because I feared every single day that he will sneak into my room and take that part of my being away with him.

AGAIN, I want to stress that I didn’t handle the situation with the girl I triggered correctly. Even though it wasn’t my intention, I made things worse. I kept going back trying to explain myself when I should’ve just accepted that yes, I triggered her and she’s upset, but no. I can’t make it alright again. I shared some of the bits above with her (and then some more) with the idea that maybe she will see where I’m coming from and truly understand that I didn’t misuse these sensitive topics for shock value as so many other entertainment sources do today. It came from a good place and from someone who is sympathetic and educated on the matter. This didn’t happen, and I kept digging the hole deeper and if you’re reading this: I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t warn you about the triggers present in my book. I’m sorry I took your choice away.

The purpose of this blog slash announcement is to warn any future readers, so I will never blindside them again and cause them extreme emotional distress. I’m not going to have a big warning at the start of the book that says this book contains scenes of torture or etc. (Again, in my opinion, it spoils some of the mystery for other readers) but I will state the following. This book contains sensitive subject matter. There’s no harm repeating it so prepare yourself for some déjà vu.

I write about sensitive topics ranging from suicide, depression, infertility, rape, anxiety, trauma, torture and etc. I doubt all of my books will contain all of the subjects listed above, but some of them will. If you’re triggered by any of these topics, please don’t read my works. From this point and onwards, if you see the warning: “This book contains sensitive subject matter” please know that I’m referring to this list. If I happen to write a story that doesn’t contain any of these scenes, I will clearly state it from the start. I WILL NEVER AGAIN TAKE YOUR CHOICE AWAY.

Before I finish this annouchment, I want to touch on one more thing. Why do I write about these sensitive subject matters? Other than writing from my own experience and starting the healing process inside of me, I write about these subject matters with the intention of highlighting my underlining message. Not all of them will be the same, but it’s always in the same field. Bad things happen to good people, but we all have that inner strength inside of us that gives us hope. That strength can be your armor so eventually, you come out as the victor. No matter how bad life is, with that inner strength and hope, a great support system, and the belief that the good will balance out the bad, you can overcome anything. I fully and passionately stand by my message because I’m living breathing fucking proof that it’s true. That little voice inside your head that comes forward when you really need that little push and hope is why I’m here today. That inner strength kept me together these last few months when life handed me a shit storm left and right. That inner strength lifted my chin when I collapsed into pieces because I hated my body and feared that I would never be able to carry my husband and I’s child. So, I guess what I’m trying to stress is that I’m not misusing my platform and voice. I’m not writing about these sensitve subject matters because it’s popular these days or for shock value. It comes from a good place with deeper meaning and lessons hidden throughout my work.

Thank you for supporting me.

Stay awesome,

Cassy xxx

 

 

Blog, eBook, My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It

Today My Dream Comes True | My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It, The eBook Is Now LIVE!!!

Cassandra Meaker

I fell in love with the world of books when I was twelve or thirteen years old. I remember we had to take out a book from the school library and The Princess Diaries by Meg Cabot caught my eye. I went home that day and finished the book in one sitting. A few days later, my mom got me a library card, and I took out all of the books I could in the series. Pretty soon, I constantly found myself with my nose buried inside the pages of a book. I loved it. I could escape my reality and get lost in all of these exciting worlds. It was an easy transition into writing my own stories, creating my own worlds. I will never forget that first story I wrote. Back then, I didn’t know how to write dialogue or what makes a story so unique and special. I basically wrote my own version of The Princess Diaries. I continued to write. I took heavy inspiration from books, movies, and series, but it got the juices going. I soon found myself lost in the excitement of creating my own world. I continued to write my own stories until eventually, I stumbled on the website called Wattpad. It wasn’t long after I started reading story after story on the platform that I shared my first story on there. Prior to this, only a small handful of people have read my stories. If I remember correctly, the title went along the lines of My werewolf teacher is my mate…who cares? I must’ve been 15 years old. It got some traction, and for the first time, complete strangers were complimenting me on my work. They liked a story that just popped into my head. Not long after I finished that first story, I started writing My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It. I truly can’t explain how much this story has helped me. I felt so loved and appreciated to get hundreds of comments from complete strangers. They told me I was worth something. They believed in me, and eventually, I started to believe in myself too.

When I created my website nearly two years ago, I had every intention to eventually showcasing my work and hopefully ease myself into the new realm of eBooks. In my head, I’m not an author until someone has paid to read what I’ve written. When it came time to start work on whatever book I wish to turn into my first eBook, I thought about this book. You see, I wanted this old werewolf story to be the first book I ever publish. I wanted this book to be the book that makes me a published author. I wanted this book to start off my career. Yes, I will admit. It’s a bit cringy but fuck, I’m proud of this book. It’s the book that made me want to be a writer. This book started everything, so it’s only right that it’s the book that kicks off my career as a professional author.

I just want to take this moment to thank each and every person who has been with me for this crazy ride. I wouldn’t be here pursuing my passion without your love, support, and encouragement. You believed in me before anyone else did. Thank you so much. This is for you. I hope I do you all justice.

Stay awesome,

Cassy xxx

With great pleasure, I present you with My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It, the eBook now available only on my website: www.fitcouchpotato.com

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

available now

Technical stuff

Summary:

Angela is sarcastic, a bit of a drama queen but hopelessly confused and lost in life. After a traumatic start in life, Angela needs everything to stay in her control, but as we all know, life never goes the way we plan. Damon, the soon to be Alpha, has been her closest friend since childhood. She was blissfully content with their relationship staying the way it was, but fate had other plans. Life can’t be all rainbows, and pregnancy hormones so strap up and enjoy the ride.

Payment details:

For the first week, you will get the completed fully edited and revised eBook version just under 300 pages and the old version just as I wrote it in 2012 for only 4.99 (euros and excluding taxes). Normal price is 5.49 (euros and excluding taxes). The only payment option is PayPal. Please note that if you go to check out and pay for the eBook, PayPal will automatically convert the euros into your currency.  If you want to see how much the eBook will cost in your currency, please refer to Google. To save some of you trouble: If you buy the eBook in the discount week, it will be 5.62 dollars or 4.42 pounds (excluding taxes). The normal price of the eBook is 6.18 dollars and 4.86 pounds (excluding taxes).

As I mentioned before, the only payment option is PayPal. If you don’t have a PayPal account, please refer to this page. It’s relatively easy to create an account. PayPal will send 10 cents to your bank account that you then have to send back to your PayPal account to connect the two accounts.

Book two, the sequel:

If I sell a 1000 (one thousand) copies, I will write the sequel. I already have quite a bit planned and I can’t tell you how tempted I am to start working on it.

available now

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

https://fitcouchpotatocom.wordpress.com/product/my-alpha-mate-got-me-pregnant-and-he-loves-it/

Content warning:

WARNING: The target audience of this book is older teens and young adults. This book contains strong language, extreme violence, and sex scenes. This book contains sensitive subject matter. Please note that this is a werewolf story that I technically wrote when I was sixteen years old. It’s important to realize that there is a small possibility that some spelling and grammar mistakes will slip through the cracks in the editing process as I’m editing this myself*. After reading through the book multiple times, I might read over small mistakes. With that being said, I intend to give this eBook another once over every few months to address any spelling mistakes that readers or I have picked up on. Thank you and enjoy!

 

eBook, My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It

Chapter Five of My eBook: My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It

Cassandra Meaker

My Alpha Mate Got Me Pregnant And He Loves It, the eBook is launching on the 14th of June at 3pm (GMT + 2) only on my website: http://www.fitcouchpotato.com. To find out what time this would be for you, please refer to Google. I can tell you now that there is 6 – 9 hours time difference with America, which would mean my eBook will be available Friday morning for my American supporters. Example: It will be 6am in Los Angeles.

For the first week, you will get the completed fully edited and revised eBook version just under 300 pages and the old version just as I wrote it in 2012 for only 4.99 (euros and excluding taxes). Normal price is 5.49 (euros and excluding taxes). The only payment option is PayPal. Please note that if you go to check out and pay for the eBook, PayPal will automatically convert the euros into your currency.  If you want to see how much the eBook will cost in your currency, please refer to Google. To save some of you trouble: If you buy the eBook in the discount week, it will be 5.62 dollars or 4.42 pounds (excluding taxes). The normal price of the eBook is 6.18 dollars and 4.86 pounds (excluding taxes).

This chapter as you’re about to see has undergone 95% of the editing process. There is a real possibility that some grammar or spelling mistakes are still remaining. I’m sorry about that. As I’m editing this myself, some mistakes will fall through the cracks. If you see a mistake, please help a girl out and point it out for me. With that being said, I still plan to read through the entire book as a hole at least twice before I put the final product together.

Thank you for all the love and support. I hope you enjoy this chapter.

PS: Please excuse the spacing. This is only a problem when sharing it online.

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Chapter Five

Naturally, after hearing about my predicament, I had a full-blown freak out, and it took a sedative to calm me down. Moral of the story, they knocked me out. When I woke up again, there was no blinding light. It was just Damon, and I. Damon was fast asleep at the side of my bed, and he took my breath away. He looked different somehow. I have known Damon my entire life, and he truly is my everything. There is no doubt in my mind that he is the person I love most in this world, but my mate? He is my only family. He is the reason why I have a family. He is the reason why I still stand up in the morning. He is the reason why I take on my past and fight every single damn day. He is my best friend. He is my brother. He can’t be my mate. Our entire relationship will change. Yes, some of the things we have done are questionable, but that’s child’s play to a mate’s relationship. Mates are intimate. Mates have babies together. Mates are…I can’t do that with Damon. I have seen him in those awkward stages in life when you just look terrible no matter what and your body is all confused because hormones are a bitch. I have seen Damon take a ball to his face and lose some precious teeth. I have seen Damon have a fart competition with Luke. I have seen Damon kiss countless of other girls, and the Moon Goddess alone knows what they did. I know Damon. I know all his darkest secrets. How can I possibly see him in a completely new light? I’m sure mates share everything, but can I give myself to Damon? Can I be Damon’s mate knowing full well of his past experiences with girls? Can I give Damon my body and soul? I love the guy, but…Oh, Moon Goddess. What am I going to do? Even if I can suddenly see my brother, who I love so much, in an entirely new light and be intimate with him…the other big elephant in the room is what that would mean. Once mated, there is no going back. I will be the Luna of the pack. I had a fucking panic attack at just the idea of being the Luna. It’s quite fucking clear that I can’t handle that level of pressure and responsibility. I’m just a damaged little seventeen-year-old girl. I can’t possibly lead others. But what choice do I even have? I have zero control over the situation, and that thought alone makes it hard to breathe. I feel uncomfortable, to say the least, when things are out of my control.

So many life-changing moments in my life was out of my control, and at the end of the day, I was the one that suffered. I couldn’t control or stop my mother from cheating. I couldn’t control or stop my father from committing suicide right in the room next to me. And now here we are…I can’t control who my mate is and what comes along with them. If I’m completely honest with myself, it’s not so much as Damon being my mate is more of what it means to be his mate. Yes, he is my best friend, and I might be able to develop romantic feelings for him in time. I never once considered being with him romantically, but now that’s it on the table…I can see myself going for it.

It will take some time, but I might get there. Life, however, doesn’t allow time. I don’t have time to take it at my own pace and truly decide what I want to do. I need to do what’s right for the pack. My feelings doesn’t matter. If I don’t accept the bond, my wolf will reject me. The rejection process will kill me, and then the loss of his mate will kill Damon. How in good conscious can I end his life? By rejecting the bond, I might as well kill Damon with my own two hands. All that aside, I can’t kill the Alpha. The pack will fall apart, and many more lives will be lost. A pack without an Alpha is weak. Rogues, hunters, and god knows what else will take the opportunity to strike. Sure, Christopher can take over, but he is getting old. That is to say, they don’t collapse under the grief of outliving their only child. So much fucking pressure. So much things completely out of my control. My chest constricted, and I gasped for breath. This is fucked up. My panic turned into anger. Mate with him or die? What the actual fuck? This is bullshit.

“Why are you rejecting me?” I jumped in fright. Holy shit, Damon is awake. I’m not ready to talk to him. I’m not in the right frame of mind. I need time to figure shit out, but life won’t give me that. Then again, you always feel better when you talk to him. I tutted at my inner voice who could be my wolf for all I knew. I bit my lip, my mind in turmoil. Was I really rejecting him? Or better yet, can I reject him?

“It’s weird, you know.” I whispered softly and stared at my hands. This is hard. I don’t want this. To think that I was having a little emotional breakdown at the thought of my best friend finding his mate a few days ago. How ridiculous. What did I even want? What do I want now?

“I know.” He whispered. Some of the weight and pressure that seemed to crush me to death only seconds ago lifted. I’m not in this alone. I sighed in relief at the thought. I’m not in this alone. I met his eyes and paused. He took my breath away. Has Damon always held that intense emotion in his eyes? Why is it almost familiar?

“You’re my best friend. I don’t know if I’m ready to be your mate or the Luna of this pack.” I could feel my heart shatter at my own words. Am I rejecting Damon? Damon’s face portrayed my own. I could see his heartache, and I snapped. I broke down into a fit of ugly sobs. This isn’t fair. My tears infected Damon, and soon we both just clung onto each other as we cried. I need to tell him how I feel. I need to pour my heart out. He will understand. He will support and guide me like he always does. I swallowed and mustered up all of my courage. Damon listened intently and never once let go of my hand as I poured my heart out to him. By the end of it, he pulled me into a deep hug and allowed me to cry on his shoulder.

“I’m scared too.” I smiled and rubbed at my snotty stained cheeks.

“We don’t have to rush into being intimate. We can wait until you’re comfortable. I know this is a lot and I understand that you need some time. I plan to win you over. I plan to show you that I am worthy of being your mate.” Damon paused, and my heart missed a beat. “You won’t be alone. As your Alpha and mate, I will always support my Luna. You don’t have to be the same type of Luna my mom or my grandmother was. You can be your own type of Luna. That aside, you will have the Beta and Delta females to help you out. There are so many people in this world that love and cares for you. You are not alone in this. We’re in this together.” I smiled between the tears and pulled Damon in for a hug. I don’t deserve this man. Fuck, I love him.

~‧•‧~

The next week as I suffered through the worst time of my life, Damon stood by my side. My heat flashes were too extreme, so school was out of the question, and since my heat seemed to get worse when Damon left the room, he had no choice but skip school and stay home. The poor guy. It was a strange week, to say the least. I went from feeling like my blood was boiling and my skin was on fire in one minute, and in the next minute my teeth were chattering so hard on each other I feared they might break. Damon was an absolute champ. He went out of his way to run me an ice or sauna-like bath when needed. When the heat flashes got extra bad, he hired a refrigerator truck, which was heaven. The boy went above and beyond all the while fighting his wolf tooth and nail. The wolf inside of him wanted to mark his mate, and Damon made it no secret how hard it was to shut him up. He was on edge but trying. As long as we didn’t physically touch for more than ten seconds, he could fight the urge. Something that was easier said than done as I couldn’t move my limbs in the midst of a bad heat attack. In between the hot and cold flashes, we tried to pass the time by watching mindless series and whatnot, but it was hard to focus. The room constantly felt stuffy. I was sweaty and uncomfortable inside my own skin.

And then there was the big elephant in the room. You know, accept the bond or die. Yeah, that big elephant in the room. We haven’t really touched on the subject again as we were both in our world of constant torture, but it was there. Right there in the back of our minds. Looming over us as we tried to reject reality and somehow survive this heat. Dr. Sandra made it quite clear that if I continued to reject our bond or postpone our mating it wash going to get a lot worse. My heat flushes would become more frequent and intense. Something that scared the living shit out of me. To even think that I barely survived the flashes that are supposed to be the mild ones? I shuddered and pushed the thought aside. Let’s open that box of torture when we get to it. To make matters worse and yes that’s possible, my heat would start to attract unmated male wolves in the area. They won’t have any control over their wolves and will definitely try to mate with me. So, rape is on the table too. Damon nearly lost his mind at this, and it took four of our best warriors to stop his wolf from marking me on the very spot. That was another thing that was added to the long list of things that I had to be worried about. As time progressed, there was a real possibility that Damon would lose complete control over his wolf or…my wolf would come out to play. Premature shifts are nothing to laugh at. Most of the young wolves die, and it’s supposedly the worst way to go. Lovely. That’s everything I can chew on while I’m still in heat…if I reject the bond completely, …things will get really messy. Dr. Sandra’s exact words were: “It’s going to be a real shit show. It’s going to be one ugly and painful death for the both of you.” So, life is looking great right about now.

~‧•‧~

I nibbled on a piece of bread, my appetite weak. The guys, the only unmated wolves that could still be around me, sat around the table. Gone was my happy go lucky group of friends that always seemed to fool around. Instead, I had a group of four guys sighing and looking absolutely miserable. I understood where they were coming from. They felt hopeless about the entire situation and conflicted. On the one part, it’s their Alpha and Luna, and on the other part, it’s two of their closest friends.

“I still think you’re being absolutely ridiculous. Are you really going to allow yourself to die just because you don’t want Damon to mate you?” Luke snapped after what felt like hours of tense silence. I groaned and dropped my sandwich. There goes my appetite.

“Look, I know it’s more than just suddenly seeing Damon in a romantic light, but please just try. I know it’s weird and awkward, but you have to try to make it work. Please. You can’t die yet.” Luke explained and took my hand in his. I hissed and ripped my body away from his touch. It burns when other males touch me.

“Oh, shit, I’m so sorry!” Luke jumped and tried to take hold of my hand again in comfort but quickly stopped himself with a pained look on his face.

“It’s okay…” I trailed off. Things have been crazy since the ball.

“Where is Damon anyway?” Gareth, like the silent hero he is, changed the subject. Bless his sweet soul.

“He went for a run. His wolf was driving him insane.” I hung my head in shame and bit my lip. The guilt is real and fucking heavy.

“I’m going for a walk. I need to clear my head.” No one stopped me. I ditched my lunch and made a beeline for the forest behind the pack grounds. Yes, the forest right behind the big ass main packhouse like a scene straight out of a cliché werewolf movie, but we’re wolves for heaven sake. We liked to be surrounded by nature. I didn’t walk very far into the woods as the thought crossed my mind that I would be royally fucked if I got a heat flash out here. There was also the risk that unmated males nearby would take the opportunity to mount the bitch in heat. I sighed and turned my way back to the packhouse. This was a bad idea. A branch snapped and like a complete idiot, I ran. So blinded by the fear, it would only be natural to trip over a fallen log. And because life has been a dick lately, I hit my face on a rock. I rolled to my side, dazed, and touched my face in a panic. Fuck. That hurts. My vision blurred, and my heart raced. I’m so screwed. I’m going to lose consciousness in the middle of the fucking woods, and god knows what’s going to happen to me. I need help. I need Damon. The branch snapped again, and to my great relief, Damon stepped forward. Naked as can be. The sight of my mate in all of his glory sparked the worst heat flash yet. The heat flash, coupled with the hit on the head did it for me. I fainted in Damon’s arms.

~‧•‧~

The blinding light that burned my pupils told me exactly where I was. I groaned and rubbed at my temples. Slowly, how I ended back in Dr. Sandra hospital bed came back to me. Seriously? I’m never going to live that down. At least it’s something we can laugh about in a few years. I glanced around and sighed in relief when I noticed I was alone. Finally. It’s like a breath of fresh air. I finally have the space to clear my mind and figure out what’s next. I can take this moment to really absorb what has happened these last few days. Okay, so there was the big curveball where it turned out that Damon is my mate. I was insanely jealous of myself. Oh, the irony. And then there is the heat…and the whole Luna thing. The familiar panic settled onto my chest and I gasped. My breath lodged in the back of my throat and my lungs burned. No. Don’t think about this just yet. Inhale. Take it one step at a time. Exhale. Focus on Damon being your mate. Inhale. Push the rest to the back of your mind. Exhale. Focus on just this one thing. With a clear mind, I considered what a romantic relationship with Damon would even look like. We’ve been two peas in a pod for years. We’ve always been close. We’ve always been super comfortable with each other. The dynamic between us won’t really change moving forward. We would still be us. It’s just going to be deeper…and more intimate. Damon is one attractive guy. It’s not like it hurts to look at him. I’ve always swooned when he smiled.

A romantic relationship isn’t that big of a stretch from our current relationship. At least with Damon, I know exactly what type of person I’m getting. He has always kept it real. He has been with me through everything that life has thrown in our direction thus far. He won’t up and leave me one day. I never have to feel that fear again. Spending the rest of my days with him does sound nice…Damon is a great guy. Yes, he has his faults. Prior to the ball, he was a lady’s man. He definitely isn’t innocent. He also shouldn’t be allowed to drive. But his strengths will always outweigh his faults. He is kind and humble. His soul is pure and bright. He puts his friends and family first. He will be a great mate and a great father to our future children. I won the lottery with him. I’ve always loved him dearly, loving him as my soulmate isn’t a big stretch. I smiled; my mind made up. I’m going to give Damon a chance.  Not long after I made my choice, the man of the hour popped into the room.

“How do you feel?” I glanced up and smiled. Damon looked shocked but quickly covered his surprise with a bright smile.

“I feel good.” I paused, a little taken back by my answer. It just slipped out of my mouth, and a part of me meant it. I felt good that I was able to decide on one thing, and I had some control back, but I can go without the fear and Luna stress.

“Can we…What is in your hands?” Damon blushed and shyly lowered himself on the side of the bed.

“Okay, so don’t laugh but I wrote you a poem.” I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Damon wrote a poem? Now, this I have to see. With a deep blush on his cheeks, Damon handed me a piece of paper. I smiled and blew him a kiss.

You are the peanuts in my peanut butter.

You are the cheese on my cheese crackers.

You are the cream filling in my Oreos.

You are the chocolate in my chocolate chip cookies.

You are the coffee in my morning cup of coffee.

You are the cheese in my mac and cheese.

You are the flour to my fried chicken nuggets.

You are the pasta in my Spaghetti Bolognese.

You are the pizza dough in my pizza.

You are the marshmallows in my hot chocolate.

You are the cherry in my cherry coke.

You are the apples in my apple-pie.

You are the bacon to my eggs.

You are the syrup to my waffles.

You are the biscuit in my KitKat.

You are the milk to my cereal.

You are the Dorito’s in my Nachos.

You are the pop to my popcorn.

You are the rice in my sushi.

You are the BBQ sauce to my steak.

“Were you hungry when you wrote this?” I chuckled before leaning over to peck Damon on the lips. He was taken back by this and blushed. My insides swooned. There is just something about seeing this fine piece of eye candy blush. It just does something to your heart.

“I have one none food related one.” Damon pouted before pointing at the one in question.

You are the controller to my Xbox.

“Honestly, this is the most perfect gift ever, and I love you so much.” Damon smiled his precious show-stopping dimple smile, and I melted into a puddle. Be calm, my heart.

“I don’t really know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. I want to give us a shot. It’s a little weird to think about us romantically but you are my best friend, and I love you so much.” I paused, a little unsure about what’s next. What does this choice mean for us? Does Damon mark me to calm our other halves and then we will mate when I’m ready? Is that even an option? “If it’s possible…you can mark me and then we can mate when we’re ready?”

“Do you mean it? If I mark you, there is no going back. We will be connected forever…” Damon’s voice was tense as he fought back his wolf. My approval and acceptance to finally be marked pushed at his reins of control. I studied Damon for two seconds as I pondered over his question. His golden eyes glowed, and I found myself longing to see his green eyes. It’s been awhile since he was completely calm. The heat has been tough on both of us.

“I thought this through. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But I think before we jump into this and you mark me, we should confirm with Dr. Sandra if it’s even an option for us.” Damon smiled before leaning over to peck my lips. “She’s out on a call now. She will be back tomorrow morning. Is that okay with you?” I nodded before sinking back into the mattress. Wow. It’s been a lot.

“Thank you for giving me a chance. Now, if you don’t mind…I’m going to go for a run. All of this talk about marking has made my wolf go nuts.” I chuckled and nodded. Damon smiled, pecked my lips once more before sprinting out of the room. I could hear his clothes tear as he fought back his wolf.

I wasn’t left to my own devices for long. Elena came up with a late breakfast and a change of clothes and not long after that Damon came back from his run.

“Do you want to watch some MasterChef?” I asked once he walked into the room. It’s been a little boring in here. I could leave and go to my bedroom but that requires effort, and that’s not in the cards today. My body felt heavy and the idea of walking to the packhouse and up the stairs to my bedroom, it’s just too much.

“I thought you would never ask!” Damon laughed and winked before pushing my body to the side with his butt to make room for him. I laughed and cuddled into his arms like I did so many times before. It felt different to be perfectly honest, but I pushed the tingles aside and just enjoyed the moment. Five episodes later, my stomach rumbled in anger. Damon laughed so hard that he almost fell off the bed, okay I helped.

“It’s not that funny…” I pouted, and Damon made the gesture of zipping his lips shut with his fingers. Laughter shone in his eyes, and I could see his lips twitch as he tried not to smile. I rolled my eyes — the big goofball.

“Just feed me already before I turn violent.” I poked out my tongue, and it was Damon’s turn to roll his eyes.

“Yes, my Luna!” I frowned and crossed my arms at his words. “Too soon?” Damon tilted his head to the side, widened his eyes and pulled his lips into a pout. I sighed. I’m weak to his puppy eyes.

“What do you want for dinner?” Damon changed the topic and saved himself like a professional.

“I want breakfast for dinner!” There is nothing wrong with having two breakfasts in one day. I’m not even ashamed. Damon chuckled while shaking his head. I could feel his judgment, but the boy was smart. He has learned his lesson over the years. Don’t sass me when I’m hungry or hormonal.

“Only if you help me prepare it. The last time you left me alone in the kitchen, I almost burned down the pack house…” Excellent point. “Mom almost killed us…” Damon shivered at the memory. I laughed. I have never seen Elena that angry. She’s a little firecracker.

How so much anger can fit into her small body was a mystery. We learned an important life lesson that night. Don’t fuck around in someone else’s kitchen. I slowly crawled out the comfort of my beloved bed and cringed when my bones cracked. Fuck, it feels like a truck rammed me over. Damon winched and covered his ears. The man hated the sound of bones cracking and snapping. His shifts must be fun, considering a lot of snapping bones is involved every single time. I rolled my eyes and slowly pulled myself up from the bed. Once up and standing, I didn’t feel as terrible. I don’t feel great, but it’s been worse. I pulled my hair into a ponytail and followed Damon out of the doctor’s office. Damon whistled as he walked down the hall and even slid down the railing of the stairs like he always did as a child. I smiled; the two of us were finally acting like our normal selves.

I followed his cue, and Damon caught me like always. However, this time around, Damon didn’t set me down, and instead, he continued walking towards the direction of the kitchen. He made sure to duck so I wouldn’t hit my head on the doorway. As gently as possible, Damon lowered me onto the kitchen counter before moving to the refrigerator to pick up the ingredients. I played around with the radio and groaned when it was only commercials. I had this horrible curse to always get the commercials when I switch on anything. Radio. The TV. Anything. I played around and squealed when I recognized one of my favorite songs. With newfound energy, I jumped up from the counter and put on a show. Damon shook his head and chuckled, but that didn’t stop him from joining me.

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days…” I sang along, trying to mimic the lead singer’s voice.

“When our momma sang us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out.” Damon joined. He was doing a lot better than I was. Did his voice suddenly change overnight? It sounds better.

“Wish we could turn back time, to the good ol’ days….” I joined, and Damon twerked which didn’t suit the vibe Twenty-One Pilots were going for when they made the song. I laughed at my dork.

“When our momma sang us to sleep, but now we’re stressed out.” In perfect harmony and with all the grace in the world, we allowed the song to control our bodies.

“We’re stressed out.” I fist pumped the air. You better believe that we are stars, honey! I pointed at Damon as the rap part came up and he delivered.

“Sometimes a certain smell will take me back to when I was young; How come I’m never able to identify where it’s coming from; I’d make a candle out of it if I ever found it; Try to sell it, never soul- s-s-sell it!” Aww, and he was doing so well. With one slip up, Damon fell behind. He has no choice but to admit defeat and leave the rapping to the professionals. I laughed and poked his cheeks.

“That was actually good!” Damon flashed his winning smile, and hip bumped me. When the chorus came around, we sang our pretty little hearts out. The song came to an end, and we actually started cooking. The next song came on, and we continued our random sing-along show and dance spurts as the food cooked. I laughed and did a little squeal when our song came on.

   “Hello, it’s me…” Damon shook his head and pulled me into his arms. I paused, and Damon did the same. Wow. I bit my lip as the most intense feelings rolled through my veins. My body heated up as pressure started to build in the pit of my stomach. Damon’s eyes darkened, and his hold on my arms tightened. One hand trailed down my arm and moved towards my hips. My body arched into his as if controlled by instinct. I groaned as tingles spread through me.

“Fuck…” I need to get the hell away from Damon. Now. Damon growled and pressed his nose into the curve of my neck. My neck arched before I could even process the movement. Shit, this is bad.

“F-f-f-f-f-f-u-u-u-u-u-ck!” Damon threw his body back with so much force; it shook the entire kitchen. I gasped as air slowly filled my lungs. Damon’s breathing was as erratic as mine. I gripped the kitchen counter in a desperate attempt to keep myself upright, while Damon had a death grip on his legs. It was as if he was forcing himself to stay put. His pained expression told me that much.

“This is going to be harder than what I thought it would be…” I voiced my thoughts, and Damon nodded. I sighed and slowly inched myself to the ground. Damon followed suit. I pulled my knees into my chest and wrapped my arms around my legs. Damon crossed his legs and balled his hands into a fist. We watched each other as silence filled the room. Slowly, the heat flush left my body. As my body cooled down, I could see the tension melt away from Damon’s body.

“So, this heat thing…” I laughed awkwardly and rubbed the back of my neck. Damon’s cheeks warmed, and I giggled. I gasped, wait I giggle now?

“The appointment with Dr. Sandra can’t come soon enough.” Damon laughed and pulled himself up to check on the food. It was a tiny miracle that it didn’t start to burn while we were busy with our… thing. I followed suit and started to get the plates out. Damon turned up the heat for a few seconds for an extra crisp layer. We filled our plates before sneaking back upstairs to my room. MasterChef and food in bed is my type of heaven on earth. It wasn’t allowed of course, but not all good things are allowed, I guess. I rubbed my belly after my last bite and sighed.

“That was so good!” I purred. Damon chuckled and patted my head before returning his attention to the screen. I smiled before doing the same. Things were heating up as we neared the finals. Damon was convinced his favorite house cook would win. I, on the other hand, would be happy if anyone but what’s-his-face wins. Please don’t ask me why I dislike him so much. There is just something about him that makes my teeth itch. I don’t understand myself.

“Can I take you out on a date tomorrow?” I nodded in response and kept my eyes trained on the screen. Damon’s fingers ran through my hair, and I felt him smile.